• Jul
    02
    2014
  • 070113

    all I hear in my head is defeatist. 

    I need a new plan desperately…because what I’m currently doing isn’t working. so, either I’m missing out on something I should be doing daily or the meds I’m on aren’t enough or the correct ones. That’s just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what could be the malfunction. So many possibilities and everything seems to overwhelm me. 

    it’s a beautiful day in the Chicago land today. Sunny, perfect temperature, windows open…but inside my head is just black desolation. I’m so desperate to find something that gives me some sort of hope that I can beat this shit…

    Jul
    01
    2013
  • ‘Minno’ by Hot Water Musicnothing can take away the times and memories I shared with these dudes, but I still miss them more than words. #HotWaterMusic #Gainesville #TourLife

    ‘Minno’ by Hot Water Music
    nothing can take away the times and memories I shared with these dudes, but I still miss them more than words. #HotWaterMusic #Gainesville #TourLife

    Jun
    14
    2013
  • Manual

    …You say you’ve got it, 

    I believe that you’ve got it,

    and that you’ll survive…

    Jun
    11
    2013
  • Fancy Mood by Benoit Challand

    Fancy Mood by Benoit Challand

    Jun
    04
    2013
  • Cuz I’m not doing any good

    The me you know is fraught with flaw, 

    I bet you wish I would

    It’s not crazy, it’s just clear, 

    I do nothing but let down

    (Source: Spotify)

    May
    31
    2013
  • just so tired

    i’ve always hesitated to actually post blog type posts…mostly keep everything bottled up only expressing the inner workings of my brain to a select few…but even those select few don’t know everything. I segregate it all so I’m not too burdensome on any of my friends. 

    I think the core of my issues can be boiled down to a couple main categories:

    1. I rarely ever feel honestly happy and if I do it’s always fleeting
    2. I am constantly crushed by my own self doubt

    It’s such a frustrating thing to always feel like no matter how many things in my life “line up”, or how well they appear on the outside, I always feel like true, full experience happiness is just out of reach. Not only in my ability to feel it myself, but almost if not even more so to give it out. I’m constantly reminded of mistakes I’ve made no matter how old they are. I never forgive myself for any hurt or pain I’ve caused to the people close to me. I sometimes even wonder if there is anything positive I bring to the table in any of my relationships (friendships or otherwise) besides disappointment and regret. It’s painful to see how happy people around me are. How easy it seems for them…how natural. I sometimes wonder if these are the same feeling my father felt, if these questions were the same ones that churned in his head before his self accomplished demise. At 42 I’ve already outlived his life span by two years, but I don’t struggle any less, or feel I’m any closer to a working solution for myself. I’ve taken the drugs, changed dosages, tried “cocktails”, worked with different types of therapy & therapists, read handfuls of books on “feeling better” but nothing has made a bit of a dent as of yet. They all leave me in the same situation. I start each one hopeful this might bring some sort of positive, and end up finding myself just like where I am now…somewhere between frustrated, angry, and alone. 

    I’m just so tired of waking up to no drive, no motivation, no desires….there’s got to be more to life, or at least something resembling a life that is attainable. At least I hope there is, maybe it’s naive…I’ve spent the last 20 something years trying to find a groove, but these forced results always have me coming up short. 

    May
    26
    2013
  • laji-rafa:

+

Really digging this oil series by Amberlee Rosolowich

    laji-rafa:

    +

    Really digging this oil series by Amberlee Rosolowich

    May
    22
    2013
  • claytoncubitt:

GOOD LOKO MORNING

This video is amazing. Check it. 

    claytoncubitt:

    GOOD LOKO MORNING

    This video is amazing. Check it. 

    May
    21
    2013
  • Do What You Like

    Do What You Like

    May
    21
    2013
  • ‘May Be Monitored To Assure Quality Control’ by Indecisiondriven by guilt and greed and numb to all extremes #Indecision #ReleaseTheCure

    ‘May Be Monitored To Assure Quality Control’ by Indecision
    driven by guilt and greed and numb to all extremes #Indecision #ReleaseTheCure

    May
    13
    2013
  • ‘Distant (Rubicon II)’ by VNV NationI will oppose all that would befall me, with this rage inside of me

    ‘Distant (Rubicon II)’ by VNV Nation
    I will oppose all that would befall me, with this rage inside of me

    May
    06
    2013
  • ‘Playground Twist’ by Siouxsie and the BansheesBut you can drown when you’re shallow

    ‘Playground Twist’ by Siouxsie and the Banshees
    But you can drown when you’re shallow

    Apr
    29
    2013
  • we are the sons of no one
    bastards of young

    - Paul Westerberg
    Apr
    29
    2013
  • one of my favorite videos of all time, let alone a great band and track…

    The Replacements - Bastards Of Young (Video) (by SireRecords)

    Apr
    29
    2013
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jason p. dooley
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